


Repentance

by ferrousdraconis



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, POV First Person, POV Riku, Post-Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories, and is also depressed, but what else is new, this is basically Riku dissociates: the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 15:39:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17409617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferrousdraconis/pseuds/ferrousdraconis
Summary: It's so cold.





	Repentance

The Chamber was cold, sterile white walls and high, arched ceilings. Empty. Devoid of character or life. It didn’t feel right for someone like him to be here, someone so bright and vibrant. 

 

His pod sat in the middle, outer petals closed protectively over its precious cargo. The outside was opaque, but with a touch it could be peeled away to reveal its more delicate innards. He stood there, floating slightly off the floor through some power I could not comprehend. His skin was paler than its usual tan from lack of the sun he so loved, his hair tangled beyond redemption after the passage of time. The clothes he wore barely fit now, skin newly exposed under the harsh light. 

 

It had been 10 months, and Sora was still asleep.

 

I sat, as was my wont, at the edge of the room. To look, or ‘look’ insomuch as I could without my sight, was a sin I didn’t often commit. At this point my senses were honed enough to feel the silence and still that permeated the air here. So strong, so unnatural around him. That was reminder enough. 

 

Timid yet sure steps echoed through the room as Namine entered, carrying a platter with practiced grace. It was apparently time for some meal or another, I never having bothered with trivialities like when it happened to be. Days, weeks passed with only the regularity of food and missions to mark that anything had indeed occurred. The dance of endless hours was a precious agony that almost tore me apart with its slow march towards oblivion. Only the thought of Sora waking up was enough to keep me sane sometimes.

 

Rising to my feet, I walked to the small table where Namine now sat. An empty chair was set in its usual place, she having as always made accommodations to my current state. I sat, inhaling the scent of our usual fare: bread, cheese, water. Diz had never provided anything more extravagant or especially  _ good _ , but it wasn’t as if either of us were keen to ask. I for my reasons, she for hers. I could hear the scratching of her doodling away in her drawing pad, occasionally taking a bite of one thing or another. While Namine was certainly friendly and would most likely delight in showing me her works, we both knew that the discussion would be quick and pointless. I had a goal, and pleasantries weren’t often on the agenda.

 

Quickly realizing my dissociative state, I lifted the bread to my mouth and took a bite in an attempt to ground myself. The action of eating by now was smooth, even mechanical. All components were taken quietly and without complaint, the water drank. None of it was enough to keep my mind from wandering. Namine’s drawing and the hum of the pod soon coalesced into white noise, and my mind and body went numb.

 

_ Waves cascaded over a sunny shore, eliciting shrieks from the small boy next to me in the surf. He nearly tripped over himself to to get away from the encroaching water, grabbing my arm on the way to pull me too from the ocean’s grasp. From a few feet out a redheaded girl around the same age doubled over in laughter. The boy pulled a face, sticking out his tongue and wrinkling his nose. Even then I couldn’t help but stare at him. The redhead replied with her own expression before they both looked at me expectantly. _

 

_ Sora. _

 

_ Kairi. _

 

_ Friends. My precious friends. The ones I, I... _

 

_ Everything darkened around us, an enormous vortex rending the sky. Debris was swept into the growing void, larger and larger objects and even chunks of earth. Time seemed to skip, and Kairi was brought out to sea by a sudden riptide, Sora buffeted towards sharp rocks.  _

 

_ “Riku!” _

 

_ “Riku!” _

 

_ They called to me, each in their desperate way. The seconds slowed incomprehensibly more until the scene froze, each droplet suspended in time. Kairi barely kept her head above water now. Sora stood feet off of the ground. They needed me. They both needed me. And yet… _

 

_ My moment of hesitation was all it took. Kairi slipped beneath the waves. Sora slammed hard into the waiting rocks. And I. I stood stock still. _

 

“Riku.”

 

The soft voice permeated my dreams, drawing me up from the depths and back to reality. Namine stood in front of me, one hand outstretched hesitantly. I took a heaving breath, in, out. While she was by now used to my frequent nightmares it still seemed to hurt her to see me like this. I couldn’t help but wonder why. Despite our long acquaintance we’d never gotten especially close, each consigned to our own duties. I wasn’t exactly the best person to be around either. With a grimace I shook my head of the thought. The last thing I needed was to dwell on such poisonous things. It was, after all, why this had happened.

 

“Riku, when’s the last time you slept?”

 

I considered not responding, but quickly came to the conclusion that it would serve no purpose. She was nothing if not gently persistent. Maybe that was the Kairi in her, stubborn as a mule. I almost smiled at the thought, but it was a bitter and twisted thing. Kairi. Did she even think of me any more? Was she sad, worried at my absence? Or maybe I was as much a faded memory as Sora, just a boy she used to play with. Nameless, faceless, no more than a voice in the back of her mind.

 

Perhaps, I thought, it was better that way. After all, once Sora was restored she would want to see him again. She would remember the days they shared on the islands, the years spent growing up together. They had always clicked so easily, so naturally. It was obvious what would happen: dating, marriage, two and a half kids and a happily ever after. Who was I to get in the way of that? Who was I, really, to them?

 

A hand on my shoulder brought me back to my senses. Realizing my lack of response I focused my concealed gaze on Namine, who would surely be even more concerned.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

She gave a quiet huff, and I could only imagine her face wrinkling into a pout. This was not the first time I had answered such, and it would not be the last. Nonetheless she accepted the answer with as much grace as she could, which amounted to crossing her arms and looking at me sternly until I agreed to get more than a few stolen minutes of rest. As soon as she exited I slumped against the nearest wall, having precisely mapped the room months ago. My heart still beat at an accelerated pace, and it was a better focal point than the only other sound in the room. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. Namine would be back soon with a dreamless sleep potion and the usual bedding, having long ago given up telling me to sleep in an actual bed. 

 

I sat upright as she returned, hiding any perceived weakness even from such a small girl. She had always been kind to me, kinder than I deserved. Even after seeing who I was, what I could become, she treated me as a friend. I was just too selfish to return the favor. After all, Diz had made it no secret that once her purpose was complete I was to eliminate her. She knew it, as did I. It was only our bonds to Sora that kept us here, our debt to pay. A coward’s debt. 

 

She spread the blankets on the floor next to me, placing a pillow at their head. I had never been a heavy sleeper, but the past year had reduced me to waking at any minute disturbance. Only the soft hum of the Pod, the reminder that Sora yet lived, was enough to keep me in slumber. It was less a lullaby and more a hymn, a gospel to follow to the ends of the Earth. And I would. For Sora, anything. For Sora, everything. My life, my morals, even his Nobody, I would do what was required to bring him back.

 

I spread the blanket over myself and lay my head on the pillow. Namine handed me the potion, watching me drink to her satisfaction before turning to leave. This was a time like any other, yet I felt compelled to say something, do something. I cleared my throat, hearing her footsteps stop as she paused and turned to me. My voice was already heavy with sleep, but I made sure the words reached her.

 

“Thank you, Namine”

 

She gave another soft huff, crossing back over to where I lay. I could hear her kneel beside me, and I twitched as she pushed long strands of silver hair from my face. Her presence loomed closer before I felt a soft pressure on my forehead. Her voice sounded inches from me, blonde hair brushing my face with the proximity.

 

“Sweet dreams Riku.”

 

With that she exited, leaving me to my self-enforced solitude. I closed my eyes and tried to relax against the hard floor. The gesture was futile I knew, but it served as a reminder. This room was the convergence of my mistakes. My jealousy, my arrogance, my fear. This is what it had all come to.

 

This was my punishment.

 

This was my repentance.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ya boi is back with more angst for everyone's favorite Brood Dude. Any feedback as always is appreciated and helps me write more, so don't be shy.


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